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From a young age, many of us are taught to please others. At school, we’re rewarded for following the rules and learning things in a set way. At home, we might feel pressure to live up to our parents’ expectations. For women, this is often even more intense. We’re told to follow our dreams, but we also see that women are still expected to cook, clean, and take care of the home. This mix of old and new ideas can be confusing. It leaves many women trying to do everything while feeling guilty for not doing it all perfectly.
It’s no wonder we worry about what other people think of us. Humans are naturally uncomfortable when we see someone doing something differently. We imagine how we would feel in their shoes, and if it feels wrong or strange, we might judge them. The fear of being judged works both ways. When we feel others judging us, it can hold us back and make us try to fit in. But here’s the good news: we can learn to tune out these opinions and live more freely.
Start Noticing and Challenging Assumptions
The first step in tuning out others’ opinions is noticing the assumptions you make about others too. I used to have strong feelings about certain groups of people. For example, I thought goths, super pretty girls, and bookish types wouldn’t like me or would be unkind. When I asked myself, “Do I know this for sure?” the answer was almost always no. Once I realised this, I decided to challenge my assumptions.
I started small. When I saw someone I’d usually judge, I’d remind myself, “Everyone has a right to exist as they are. There’s no wrong way to be.” As I got more confident, I began smiling at people or complimenting something they were wearing or carrying. Almost every time, they responded kindly. These small actions proved my brain wrong and helped me see people in a new way.
I also thought about where my assumptions came from. I realised some were tied to uncomfortable experiences in my past. My first romantic rejection involved a popular, pretty girl. As a teenager, I wasn’t allowed to wear black or leather, even though I loved that style, so I felt uneasy around goths and emos. Recognising these roots helped me let go of my old fears.
This practice didn’t just help me understand others better. It also made me realise I’d been imagining what they must have thought of me. The more I let go of these internalised judgments, the less I worried about what they might expect from me.
Recognise and Break the People-Pleasing Cycle
Imagined expectations are everywhere. They’re often linked to perfectionism and people-pleasing, which feed into each other in a cycle. When we think someone expects something from us, we try to meet it perfectly. In doing so, we’re trying to make them happy. But the more we try to please others, the more pressure we feel to meet their expectations, and the cycle continues.
The best way to spot imagined expectations is to ask yourself, “Have they ever told me this?” If the answer is no, ask, “How do I know this is true?” If you can’t answer that, the expectation is likely imagined. For example, I once apologised to my partner for not liking cooking or cleaning. He was shocked I felt this way and told me he’d never expected it of me. I’d created this pressure in my mind because of the misogyny I grew up with.
If you feel comfortable, you can talk to someone you trust about these feelings. Say something like, “I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to meet certain expectations. I think some of them might not even be real. Can I ask if you expect this from me?” This can be helpful with empathetic people who understand where you’re coming from. However, with others who you can’t speak openly with, it’s often better to let go of the expectation, whether it’s real or imagined.
Breaking the people-pleasing cycle takes time, but small steps can make a big difference. Each time you let go of an imagined expectation or choose to do something for yourself instead of others, you weaken the cycle and make room for your own needs and desires.
Have Empathetic Conversations and Set Boundaries
Open conversations can be a powerful tool for tuning out others’ opinions. When done with the right people, these talks can help you feel supported and less alone. But it’s important to choose your audience wisely. Look for people who give you space to talk and validate your feelings. If someone tends to be defensive or dismissive, they may not be ready to have this kind of discussion.
When you’re ready to talk, be honest about what you’re feeling. For example, you could say, “I’ve been working on letting go of imagined expectations and setting boundaries. I’d like your support as I figure this out.” You might also share some specific expectations you’ve been carrying and ask if they’re true. This can deepen your connection and help you both understand each other’s roles in the relationship.
Boundaries are key to tuning out others’ opinions. They help you decide what’s worth your time and energy. Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be dramatic. It can be as simple as saying no to something you don’t want to do or explaining that you need time to think about a decision. The important thing is to honour what feels right for you and stick to it. Over time, this will make it easier to let go of external pressures and focus on what truly matters to you.
Tuning out others’ opinions isn’t about ignoring people or shutting yourself off from the world. It’s about recognising when you’re letting their expectations hold you back and choosing to live in a way that feels true to yourself. By noticing your assumptions, breaking the cycle of people-pleasing, and setting healthy boundaries, you can create space for your own voice to shine.
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